Most people don't want to hurt others and choose not to. Some people make a bad choice and hurt others and then usually regret doing that. If you have a habit of hurting others or are scared that you might then here are some things that might help you.

5 tips for acting safely

The anger scale has been used by many people for a long time to get people more aware of their anger so that they have more time to make good decisions.

• Thinking: I am not entitled to hurt others

• The anger scale

• Taking time-out

• The 4-part phrase

• The track-my-anger diagram

The anger scale

Nearly all people who hurt others report feeling angry first and not feeling emotionally in control. Traditionally we take anger home from the public world to the private world of home and share it there with people who understand us. Home should be a place where people can bring out the upsets and hurts and be supported. Unfortunately its also a reason why so much
anger drives hurt verbally and physically and emotionally in out homes.

Try talking to the other members in your family about levels of anger as on the anger scale as you feel them. Anger can then become a conversation in your home instead of a fearful word.

Awareness of your anger leads to more decision time about what action to take and to bringing yourself down emotionally.

Taking time out

Time out is an action taken to keep yourself and others safe and stop you from hurting or making the situation worse.

There are 5 stages

1. Stopping and Choosing to take time out

2. Saying 'I need time out' and leaving the scene. You will get calls for you to stay and re-engage. You must ignore them.

3. Calming This for some is breathing, reading listening to music, and for others it first needs some expression like digging the garden, riding a bike, playing squash or just walking till the energy charge goes down.

4. Thinking Develop a new plan for the same situation: What you were doing wasn't working so you need a new plan for going back and sorting the situation and getting some sort of solution.

5. Returning, sitting down and working it out. If things get dangerous again you may need to start the whole 'time out' cycle again.

The 4-part phrase

This is basic and clever and works as long as you follow it carefully, memorise it and stick to it. It will get you of all sorts of situations and often get you what you want.

1. The first phase is saying how you feel. Its best to use vulnerable feelings like hurt, sad, alone, ignored, devalued and then if that is not respected use angry, annoyed, upset, disrespected.

2. The second phase needs you to say when this happens or the situation. It is important to avoid the word 'you' here as the other person just feels blamed and stops listening

3. The third phase gives the reason why you feel that way in that situation e.g. 'because its not fair' or 'because I was expecting…'

4. The last phase is the strategy for putting things right. It's the solution so it needs to be said reasonably ands clearly.

The track-my-anger diagram

This is the best way to understand your anger hurt, powerlessness and any abuse you may have done.

Tracking anger

Apply your situation to the following

1. What was the situation where you felt the charge of anger?

2. Identify the POWELESSNESS that always lies behind anger. What had happened before it that was a hurt or a loss or a shaming, or fear of a hurt or loss happening?

3. How did you express the feeling: words, sounds expressions or actions.

4. Was it positive or negative: Did someone get hurt or disrespected? Abuse is not OK.

5. What strategy or plan did you develop to improve the situation so that you felt comfortable and restored again.

6. How many ACTIONS or decisions did it have? Now do them. This may take courage and determination.

7. Did the strategy work? Do you feel in charge of your life again?

Is it likely to happen again? If the answer is 'yes it could', then go back to your strategies and re-strategise. You need a strategy that fixes it pretty much for good, barring the totally unexpected.

Also ask yourself is there anything that you need to let go of (such as a death or accident or grudge)

8. Congratulate your self. You are now ready to move on. If there is a recurrence you may need to ask new questions using the framework above.

When you have followed the diagram a few times and you can use it easily, you might find it just as easy to answer these questions.

1. What was the powerlessness behind the anger?

2. How did I express my anger? Did I abuse anyone?

3. What is my strategy to fix and prevent this happening?

4. Is it likely to happen again? (If so go back to question 3)

Thinking: I am not entitled to hurt others

Change your belief! Abuse is not OK!

Did you believe that you had some right to hurt or disrespect another person? No-one has that right. Often we abuse others who are close to us because we believe that they will put up with it and still love or accept us. If you damage that trust you won't have that person there. It's hard to get trust back after you have damaged it. You have a right to feel angry but
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO HURT OR DISRESPECT ANOTHER PERSON

1. Patch a radiator hose

2. Protect your computer

3. Rescue a boater who has capsized

4. Frame a wall

5. Retouch digital photos

6. Back up a trailer

7. Build a campfire

8. Fix a dead outlet

9. Navigate with a map and compass

10. Use a torque wrench

11. Sharpen a knife

12. Perform CPR

13. Fillet a fish

14. Manoeuvre a car out of a skid

15. Get a car unstuck

16. Back up data

17. Paint a room

18. Mix concrete

19. Clean a bolt-action rifle

20. Change oil and filter

21. Hook up an HDTV

22. Bleed brakes

23. Paddle a canoe

24. Fix a bike flat

25. Extend your wireless network

The vast majority of objective studies collectively point to the fact that the replacement of the husband by the welfare state and irresponsible divorce are the primary causes.

In less than 25% of cases did the husband end the relationship or want the divorce. In the "Great Society" our concern over poverty became predatory in nature when government essentially decided that child support should automatically replace the father as a matter of "women's choice".

The primary political movement which caused this problem is radical feminism. Politically energized women espousing theories founded in misandry, combined with profiteering legal associations, devised every excuse in the book why marriage is not necessary.

Wild allegations against husbands, accusing them of child abuse and domestic violence became the norm, when in fact serious child abuse and domestic violence by husbands in the intact family is rare and sporadic in nature.

Today, six in ten husbands will be arbitrarily thrown out of their families, losing their children, and forced into a system of indentured servitude to their estranged families, a system which unquestionably violates the Geneva Convention on Slavery. Few of these husbands have done anything wrong, and only a very few cases do real reasons exist for a divorce which essentially destroys his social place in family and society. The level of discrimination caused by such hateful treatment of over half the fathers in America has become the major civil rights issue of our time — for it discriminates against about half the citizens of America, whether they be black, white, or another race.

There is only one answer to this problem. "We must now grant to fathers the same right to be in the family as we have granted to women in the workplace."

Now, let us see how we got to this regressive point in social history…..

Extract from:  www.dadsnow.org

1

    Contact  ManLine to get linked
        into local  supports and resources.

2

   Keep a diary Jot down advice, contacts, decisions, 
        questions, issues, conversations.
 

3

  Stay calm. Emotions can lead you to make rash decisions.
       Keep a clear head to plan ahead.
 

4

  Meet your obligations. Do what you can to maintain
       your routine and get bills paid on time.
 

5

  Look after yourself. Your kids need you to eat right,
       sleep  well, excercise, talk and stay positive.
 

6

  Make the most of any contact. It may not be much
       at first, but your kids will love it regardless.
 

7

  Work towards a working relationship. Be patient and do
      whatever you can to get on with your children’s mum,
      for their sake.