Manline

He arrived for his first appointment looking nervous and unsure (arriving is a plus, as sadly, a few men are unable to make It up the stairs and we're not talking physically) With the counselor he revealed that he had been violent and abusive towards his partner and children and did not understand why, as he loved them dearly. He was unable to sleep unless there was light coming in or a light on, (twice he had thrown himself out windows without opening them). His partner said unless he jot help she would leave him (she gave him a gift and he had the courage to open it).

When talking about sleeping, he started to look small and terrified. The counselor asked him "how old do you feel inside" He was unable to answer. "Show me with your hand how tall you feel inside'' He did and the counselor said, "How old do you reckon that is." "four or so'' he replied. He was invited to stand and look around the room so he could see where he was and then Asked "what was going on in your life then?" His story started to unfold: from his earliest memories he could recall his sister who was four years older sneaking in to his bedroom and smothering him with a pillow. This went on for several years until he was old enough to fight back. She used to beat him and sexually abuse him. His parents didn't believe him and would often leave him in his sister's care. No wonder he hated the dark, every noise, rustle, or movement, seemed life threatening to him (even when it wasn't, his body memories told him it was) A multiple traumatic event, the past invading the present.

He worked with the counselor for several months, exploring his rage, grief, guilt, powerlessness, fear, terror, shame and lack of trust. He was given the space to express what he was unable to express back then as a small boy to his sister, mother and father. He gave his body permission to feel what it felt and had not resolved, separating out the past to the now. He learned about violence and abuse, about anger and the difference between them. He discovered his early warning signs and learned how to monitor them so he could tell the difference between feeling frustrated and being in a rage. He practised listening and communication skills, which enabled him to explore his boundaries about what is acceptable, unacceptable or up for negotiation. He learned how to problem solve, exploring the difference between being selfish and taking care of himself and how to say no to someone he loved.

When he had gone as far as he wanted to he stopped coming. His relationship to his partner and children had improved a hundred fold; he was no longer violent or abusive towards them. He was able to communicate and listen and he was no longer afraid of the dark and could sleep without extra lights. His partner rang to thank the counsellor, who said to her, "My role was to be there for him, he was the one who had the courage and strength to travel as far as he did."

This client's story is a reminder of the possibility of change, of hope and the struggle involved. It isn't always like this but this story reflects some of Manline's philosophies and ways of working with the men that come to us.