Fathering

I beg your pardon, did you say fathering? What is fathering? How is it different to mothering, or parenting? At Manline we believe that fathering can only be done by a male; a father, step-dad, or male taking on the fathering role. I'm sure that you believe the same, but I’m highlighting the relationships between males and fathering because I believe it is a topic that is only rarely talked about.

Take a moment to reflect on your memories of your father. How were you fathered?

Let's face it, we've all had a father and we all have vastly different experiences of being fathered. When you think about it now, was it everything you might have hoped for and if not how would like it to have been different? Did your Dad make mistakes? Do you still have strong feelings about those mistakes? Maybe you had a Dad who treated you with respect, love, clear boundaries and who used fair consequences when you made mistakes? How did that work for you?

It's pretty well understood these days, that as children we primarily learn how to behave from the most significant people in our lives, usually a mother and a father, and sometimes other people who take on the role of our primary caregivers. What do you think you learned? As adult men we've generally learned how to be fathers from the way our Dads acted towards us. In turn we act the same way towards our own children, often without realising it, sometimes despite intentions to be different from our own fathers.

Can we expect to be any different?

It does seem that fathering skills are learned behaviours. Fortunately many of us get pretty good role modeling, but it's also not unusual for the fathering skills we've learned to be inappropriate. The good news is that if our fathering isn't working, our inappropriate experience can be unlearned and new skills can be substituted in place of old habits. Many men experience difficulty with being a "father'' at some time or other.

Ponder on your behaviour as a parent today and ask yourself "is that how my mum or dad behaved? Do you notice any similarities? Is there anything you would like to change?

People parent differently. Men and women often parent differently. This is hardly surprising, after all people have had very different experiences of being parented and as well, they often take on different roles in the household. As a dad (and when I say dad, I mean biological dad, step dad, granddad, someone in the role of father, significant male, an uncle or "big brother'' figure) I tend to do things that might traditionally be considered as "male orientated'' like mow lawns, make things in the shed, fix the car etc. I'm often accompanied by little helpers in these tasks, which incidently makes for a good time to chat, while you're going about daily tasks. These things aren't always done by men, but my point is that defined stereotypes in families tend to create expectations. What roles have been negotiated as "his'' and "hers'' in your family and what does this teach your sons and daughters about men and fathers in general? Who takes the role of disciplinarian or setting the boundaries in your home? Are these parenting roles shared or do the kids get told, "Wait till your father gets home"? As a father do you change and wash nappies and bath your children, and what is the impact on you as a man of sharing a bath with your young son or daughter? Over the last few years some dads tell us that bathing with kids is a real concern for them and with allegations of sexual abuse at the back of their minds they have allowed this fear to stop them fully enjoying this and other aspects of fatherhood. As each of us is a unique person with unique experiences each of us will parent, mother or father differently. In a partnership the combination of two sets of beliefs, ways of being and child rearing ideologies can, and often does, cause problems.

The question here is: ''are you happy with the way you parent / father?"

It is only recently that modern society has accepted that men are capable of acting as nurturers and caregivers; consequently more men are starting to believe it themselves and become more comfortable in this role. I believe that as men allow themselves to become more nurturing, loving and caring with their children, they will learn to trust themselves to be more honest, open hearted and loving with their partners, friends and families, in other words, in all of their relationships. A more global thought is the growing concern, highlighted in the media, of society's youth crime rate and the impact of "fatherless sons'' on our society. Huge numbers of our young men appear to have no significant male role models. How might this crime rate be different if each one of us looked on all young men as our sons? A community caring for its own - now there is a thought.

I like to believe most parents do the very best they can, at the time, with the skills they have. The parenting may not be good enough or appropriate but I believe it is the best that people are capable of until they learn new skills and new ways of being that are good enough and appropriate. Recognising that it's time to learn new skills is half the battle, and what's more, although the sooner the better, especially when your young children are experiencing your experience that you got from your Dad, it's never too late to look at how you father and to learn to be the father you always dreamed about. If you have unresolved "father issues'' that are impacting on your ability to be the father you would like to be or if you would like to brush up on your fathering skills Manline is only a phone call away and we're happy to talk with you about your concerns.