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So what does Manline do?

 

This is one of the first questions asked by most people phoning for the first time. Translated this means I'm having trouble coping, I need help and have no idea what sort of help or how to get it.

 

For a lot of men this is their first contact with us. They often call at the suggestion of a friend, partner, family member, doctor or employer, and this first phone call is completely foreign territory: asking for help can be heart pounding scary stuff.

 

So, what does Manline do? Who are we? And how do we operate?

 

We are a community agency that "works'' with men. We offer counseling, therapy, men's groups and stopping violence / anger management programmes. After the initial phone call all men wanting to see us have a personal appointment with a male counselor. This gives us an opportunity to listen to what brought him here in the first place, and most importantly, a chance for him to check us out before committing to engage our services. At the end of the initial session (we call it a face-to-face appointment) the client and counselor agree to "the next step". This might be continuing with one on one face to face counseling, attendance at a stopping violence/anger management group or a therapy group, or referral to another service that may be more appropriate. We never let money issues stand in the way of men accessing our services and whilst we suggest a scale of fees we will also accept koha.

 

What sort of things might we talk about?

 

What does it mean to be a man in 2011, to be a brother, a father, grandfather, son, a husband, mate, or lover? A hundred different answers from a hundred different men that raise a hundred more questions! Are you working full time, part time or not at all and how does this impact on the life you lead? Has death visited you, your family, or friends and how has this impacted on you? Have you or men close to you been to war or been affected by the aftermath of it? What about conflict at home or work – do you handle it well (bearing in mind that "well'' does not necessarily equate with winning) Do you get regular checkups from your doctor, optician and dentist? lf not, how come? I guess you look after your car, regular tune-ups, good oil and the right octane petrol, how come you don't treat your body the same? Whilst we are on the subject of self care what about your other needs: spiritual, creative, sexual and physical well-being? Are you active in meeting these needs, do you make time to ensure a balance in your life or is it a constant juggling act? Do you set goals or do you coast along. Is your life working well and are you working well in your life? Or are there any changes you would like to make? When you dream, how do you dream your life to be and what steps are you taking to create the dream?

 

A story of one man who came to Manline.

He arrived for his first appointment looking nervous and unsure (arriving is a plug, as sadly, a few men are unable to make It up the stairs and we're not talking physically) With the counselor he revealed that he had been violent and abusive towards his partner and children and did not understand why, as he loved them dearly. He was unable to sleep unless there was light coming in or a light on, (twice he had thrown himself out windows without opening them). His partner said unless he jot help she would leave him (she gave him a gift and he had the courage to open it).

 

When talking about sleeping, he started to look small and terrified. The counselor asked him "how old do you feel inside" He was unable to answer. "Show me with your hand how tall you feel inside'' He did and the counselor said, "How old do you reckon that is." "four or so'' he replied. He was invited to stand and look around the room so he could see where he was and then Asked "what was going on in your life then?" His story started to unfold: from his earliest memories he could recall his sister who was four years older sneaking in to his bedroom and smothering him with a pillow. This went on for several years until he was old enough to fight back. She used to beat him and sexually abuse him. His parents didn't believe him and would often leave him in his sister's care. No wonder he hated the dark, every noise, rustle, or movement, seemed life threatening to him (even when it wasn't, his body memories told him it was) A multiple traumatic event, the past invading the present.

 

He worked with the counselor for several months, exploring his rage, grief, guilt, powerlessness, fear, terror, shame and lack of trust. He was given the space to express what he was unable to express back then as a small boy to his sister, mother and father. He gave his body permission to feel what it felt and had not resolved, separating out the past to the now. He learned about violence and abuse, about anger and the difference between them. He discovered his early warning signs and learned how to monitor them so he could tell the difference between feeling frustrated and being in a rage. He practised listening and communication skills, which enabled him to explore his boundaries about what is acceptable, unacceptable or up for negotiation. He learned how to problem solve, exploring the difference between being selfish and taking care of himself and how to say no to someone he loved.

When he had gone as far as he wanted to he stopped coming. His relationship to his partner and children had improved a hundred fold; he was no longer violent or abusive towards them. He was able to communicate and listen and he was no longer afraid of the dark and could sleep without extra lights. His partner rang to thank the counsellor, who said to her, "My role was to be there for him, he was the one who had the courage and strength to travel as far as he did."

 

This client's story is a reminder of the possibility of change, of hope and the struggle involved. It isn't always like this but this story reflects some of Manline's philosophies and ways of working with the men that come to us. In this monthly column we will touch on a range of Issues that can impact some men.

 

If you would like any more information call us 06) 358-1211, visit our website www.manline.co.nz or send us an email: manlinee@xtra.co.nz